Conceptual Starvation and Two-Sided Communication

[idonttakethislightly]

I didn't get at first why gossamer_musings had chosen the word "embodiment" to refer to connecting with or acting in line with your archetype. I'd generally used embodiment in the somatic sense, rather than as an identity/purpose that wasn't physically my form.

But having chatted with Julian about its choice of word, and also having thought harder on my own life, I get it now. My connection to my own body is tightly intertwined with whether I'm aligned with my conceptual purpose. Conceptual starvation doesn't just make me unhappy, it throws off my eating and sleeping habits, my relationship to coffee and internet-surfing, as well as my general sense of presence and engagement with the world around me.



Julian's descriptors of conceptual starvation- "lethargy, frustration, and a simultaneous restlessness"- hit pretty close to home for me, but I'd add a few more words to really describe my own experiences. I experience conceptual starvation as a deep dissatisfaction with how my life is going, how my days look and feel. It's a desperation to Get Something Done, to do the true purpose-aligned work of my life, combined with feeling cut off from the parts of myself truly equipped to do that work.

Conceptual starvation throws my daily habits into a vicious cycle: I stay up late because I feel like I can't sleep until I've done something worthwhile, then struggle to get up in the morning because I haven't slept, and also because I don't have much optimism that my new day will be better than yesterday. When I can't get in touch with the true passion that drives me, I overdo it on coffee to try and pep my mood up, which puts me in a hyperfocused mode where I'm liable to ignore my hunger cues. So I don't eat, I get tired and my focus falls apart, I get distracted by petty internet stimulation, it gets to be late again and I haven't done anything worthwhile... and so on.

I do my best to fight the uphill battle, to sleep when I don't want to sleep, eat when I don't want to eat, set aside the coffee and the internet before they get out of hand. But it is an uphill battle when my conceptual purpose isn't there to make it all worth it. And of course, badly-maintained physical habits do not help me feel more equipped to do the work I want to do.

But what exactly causes conceptual starvation for me? I'm still sorting through my conceptuality, trying to find the right ways to describe it- I know I've talked excitedly about thread in particular, but I'm still feeling out other concepts that don't quite fit into that framework. I do know it has something to do with communication. I want to say things that matter about topics that interest me, and I want those thoughts to reach the people who will find meaning in them. There's more to it than that, specific details, wanting to be a listener as well as a speaker... but let's start with the intertwined desires to speak my truth and to have it heard.

For a while I was in a really good setup where I could easily do both- I've been in a fandom for a comic I adore, I had lots of things to say and lots of people to share those thoughts with. But lately my interests have been shifting- I'm not quite as actively passionate about the comic, but I still have responsibilities to the fandom. I've been torn between writing things that interest me but have no clear audience, and writing things for existing communities that aren't true to my interests. And like... overall, I think people's answer lean towards "Follow your heart and don't worry what other people think!" But my heart is not alone at a computer with writing nobody will see- my heart is in community with others, doing writing with social purpose.

That's part of my conceptuality- communication. Thinking is great, but putting your thoughts into the world and knowing that they've made a difference to someone is where it's really at for me. And I'm back in a place where I'm staring down conceptual starvation because I haven't re-established a niche where I can carry out my purpose.

Although... having written this essay, in itself, feels hopeful. Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight.

Comments

[lightning_beast]

Oh I can definitely relate to this! One of my concepttypes is Travel and I'm definitely restless and bored and generally Not Feeling Great when I don't get to interact with it. Staying inside too long feels viscerally Wrong and Bad- which can be very inconvenient when there's nothing I can do about it, for one reason or another! It's one of the reasons i don't like summer very much- it's far too hot to go on a walk. So I stay inside. And then I get restless. It's awful. But finally getting to do something about it after a while feels so nice. I hope you're doing well.